On Monday, I’ll be competing in the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition. As you can see, becoming a competitive eater has not been pretty. Check out the essay I wrote for Salon on my journey from eating enthusiast to Bunnette to professional gorger. 

And you can see more of my ugly eating faces tomorrow at 11:25 AM (EST) on ESPN3.com, which is streaming live video of the first-ever women’s division. They’ll also be showing highlights from the ladies’ contest during the noon hour on ESPN. I’ll do my best to suppress my gag reflex.

We’re giving away Candwiches! More info at the end of this post.

ADAM: Usually this blog charts our mission to eat a meal from every nation in the world without leaving New York City. But for this post we’re taking a slight detour to eat a meal that we’re pretty sure comes from the future. Or, if you’d prefer to believe the shipping label: West Jordan, Utah. We’re talking, of course, about Candwich, the famed Sandwich in a Can, which got the interwebs all abuzz when it was announced last year. Well, that meal tube is finally on sale. And always eager to try a product whose packaging can simultaneously boast both “Extended Shelf Life!” and also “Great for School Lunch!” we had a four-pack delivered to our door.

LAURA: The pull-tab opened with a “pop,” as if you were opening a can of tennis balls and not, say, lunch. We were disappointed to see that the sandwich was not pre-made. You get the bread, a knife and squeeze packs of PB and J. For a “convenient” lunch option, this sandwich is exhausting! On the plus side, it also came with a ready-to-eat Laffy Taffy and a packet of FreshPax which helps it stay shelf-stable for over a year. Mmmm, chemical drying agents…

ADAM: And instead of getting normal slices of bread, you get what is essentially a hot dog bun. The bun is heavy and moist in a slightly disturbing way, but its most noticeable characteristic is its odor. Think of the smell of a WonderBread bun, then times it by roughly a bajallion. That’s what Candwich bread smells like.

LAURA: Once inside our mouths, the peanut butter and jelly tasted fine, but the bread was unnaturally moist and frankly gave me the heebies-jeebies chewing it. Maybe my palate was just too refined, though, because the packaging claims that “Kids love them!” Then again, kids also love eating paste and boogers.
ADAM: There’s way too much bread for the amount of peanut butter and jelly, and the whole thing quickly condenses into an unpleasant wad in your mouth. Basically, this is a canned good, except without the “good” part. That being said, if I was stranded in a bomb shelter and all the other food in the world was tainted with radioactive fallout? Sure, I’d eat it. Is that a quote they might want to put on their packaging?

BONUS: We’re giving away our excess Candwiches! To win one, just reblog this post on Tumblr and/or go to our Facebook page and “like” the link to this article. We’ll randomly choose two winners and mail them their shelf-stable prize/punishment.

And for more food hilarity, kindly check out our other website I Want You Inside Me.